I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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