Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
