Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
