Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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