How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
