hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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