Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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