the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
