Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
