She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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