i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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