I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
