Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
her facebook's as public as her vagina
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
