Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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