Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
