her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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