I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
