My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
