I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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