i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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