At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sarcasm needs its own font
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
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