Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
