Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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