So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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