mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
