Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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