I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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