College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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