im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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