my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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