Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
