I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
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I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize