Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
