I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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