I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
