I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
