You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
