Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
