Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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