Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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