Need sex. Gaining weight.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
