Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
