We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
