i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
