Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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