OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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