As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
