dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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