Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
