took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
