i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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