so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
