when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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