I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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