Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
