Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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