Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
