So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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