I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
