Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
